Wish You Were Here
by ishkaqwiaidurugnul
Summary: A series of Tauriel's journal entries after BOTFA, addressed to a dead Kili.
1. October 13, 2941 TA

October 13, 2941 T.A.

_Today, we buried you under the mountain. _

_ I will never forget your face, so still, so pale. I've seen you sleeping, and I tried very hard to imagine that you were. I tried to pretend we were still in Laketown and you were just healing and recovering your strength. _

_ But then they closed your coffin. You won't be able to breathe in there. They sealed you up in a tomb of stone, hard and cold. It is no bed. Bare rock cannot sustain life. _

_ Even now, I want to run to the deepest level of Erebor, smash open your tomb, pull you out again, and recite every spell, charm, and healing incantation that has ever been spoken. I want to pour my power out on you. I want to destroy myself so that you might live. _

_ But you are dead, and death is eternal, just as I am. _

_ Wish you were here, _

_ Tauriel._


	2. October 15, 2941 TA

October 15, 2941 T.A.

_Today, Dain was crowned King under the Mountain, because the line of Durin is ended. Now, he wears the crown that was meant for Thorin, meant for Fili, meant for you. I know he will be a good king, but I still hate to see it on his head. _

_ I met your mother, by the way. I remember how you told me when we first met, "She thinks I'm reckless." You were, Kili, you really were. But you were so brave, my love. I know you tried to keep your promise. I tried to help you keep it too, but I couldn't. I could barely look your mother in the eye knowing I let you die._

_ I'm sorry I couldn't save you._

_ Wish you were here,_

_ Tauriel._


	3. October 19, 2941 TA

October 19, 2941 T.A.

_Today, the diplomats have finished negotiations with the new King under the Mountain, and will return to Mirkwood. I will not return with them. _

_ Kili, in the heat of battle, I drew a weapon against my lord and king. It was wrong of me, and as a result, I have lost my position as Captain of the Guard. I cannot return to Mirkwood; there is nothing for me there. Where now shall I go? Is there any place left for me in Middle Earth, any home for a lost and lonely girl? _

_ Where have you gone, Kili?_

_ Can I follow you?_

_ Wish you were here, _

_ Tauriel._


	4. October 25, 2941 TA

October 25, 2941 T.A.

_Today I said goodbye to Erebor, the dwarves, your mother, and you. I went down and visited your tomb one last time. Did you hear me when I told you how much I love you? _

_ I'm sorry I have to leave you now. I can't bear to stay any longer. The sun rises and sets, and the moon waxes and wanes, yet I find no joy or peace in the blackest night or the brightest day. When I look at the stars, I think about the sound of your voice when you called my name, and when I look at the sun, I remember your smile. _

_ I want to remember you because I love you, but I want to forget you because I miss you so much. _

_ It hurts so much. I want to die. I want to be with you. _

_ Wish you were here,_

_ Tauriel. _


	5. October 31, 2941 TA

October 31, 2941 T.A.

_Today I entered Lothlorien. When I crossed the borders, the guards were kind to me, and they took me to see the Lady Galadriel. The Lady of Light took my hand, and spoke softly to me, and clothed me in a soft linen garment. Now I am nestled in a bower high in the branches of the mallorn trees. I can hear the wind whistling gently between the leaves. It is so peaceful and calm here. I can almost stop thinking, stop feeling, I can just breathe and heal and be. _

_ The bed is so soft. My eyes grow heavy and I can feel a deep sleep coming over me for the first time in weeks._

_ Wish you were here,_

_ Tauriel. _


	6. November 1, 2941 TA

November 1, 2941 T.A.

_Today I looked into the mirror of Galadriel. She told me it could not only show the past and present, but some parts of the future as well. I almost didn't want to look into it. I was afraid to see my future; long days which turn into long years which turn into centuries of being alone. But she said to me, "Do not be afraid, Tauriel," and I felt a strange compulsion to look. _

_At first there was nothing but a vast whiteness, a blanket which I realized was snow. It was utterly blank, like the beginning of the universe. Then a drop of blood appeared, spreading and sinking into the snow, and the image melted away and I saw your face. It was lifeless. I wanted to look away but I couldn't. Then the mirror showed me your mother weeping and your friends mourning. The pictures flashed quickly now, the sand, the sea, a ship. I saw you with your uncle and your brother, waiting in the halls of Mandos, utterly still, neither dead nor alive. _

_The things which I saw next were so incredible, I can hardly begin to describe them in words. I saw the ground opened, gaping caves from which poured out an ancient army. I saw the sun go dark and the moon disappear. A great door, older than time itself and stronger than the foundations of the earth, was overcome by flame and shadow. A great battle tore apart Middle Earth, and the dead were like grains of sand. All was silent. All was black._

_Then I saw a light in the darkness, a star, shining bravely against all odds. Suddenly there was another one, and then another, and then all the stars came out and the sky blazed with light. And then I saw us. _

_We were walking in starlight, hand in hand, and your face was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I couldn't help it. I reached out. I touched the surface of the mirror. _

_The spell was broken, and the vision ended. _

_"__What did I just see?" I asked the Lady slowly. _

_She replied, "What do you think you just saw?" _

_"__The end of the world," I whispered._

_Galadriel nodded slowly, knowingly. "Yes," she said. "The end of the world." _

_I have so many questions, but now is not the time to ask them. _

_Wish you were here,_

_Tauriel._


	7. November 3, 2941 TA

November 3, 2941 T.A.

_Today I asked the Lady if the things I saw in the mirror will come to pass. She only said, "Some things are certain, and some things are uncertain." _

"_Will the world end in a great battle?" I asked her._

"_Yes," she said. "All worlds do." _

"_Will I be with Kili, at the end of the world?" I asked. I was so afraid to ask; I was so afraid that the answer would be no._

"_Perhaps," she murmured. "Even I do not know all the secrets of the mirror." _

_We walked through the woods for a while, and I said to her, "Perhaps then I have found a reason to hope again." _

_She smiled at me and whispered, "There is always hope."_

_Wish you were here, _

_Tauriel. _


	8. November 30, 2941 TA

November 30, 2941 T.A.

_Today I departed from Lorien on horseback. I have spent many weeks in the care of the elves of Lothlorien, and I feel refreshed in both body and spirit. I can impose upon their hospitality no longer; after all, I am banished from my homeland, and there is no other place for me to call my own._

_"__What must I do?" I asked the Lady. "How may I regain my honour?" _

_"__How did you lose it?" she asked._

_"__I drew a weapon against my king," I replied, unable to look her in the face._

_"__My child, why did you do that?"_

_"__I… I loved Kili… I was afraid, afraid that something might happen to him, and I wanted to save him more than anything," I whispered._

_"__You were afraid," she repeated. "Tauriel, fear was your downfall." She put a hand on my cheek and wiped away the tears from my eyes. "But love will be your redemption." _

_Then she gave me a horse and bid me farewell. _

_Wish you were here, _

_Tauriel._


	9. December 25, 2941 TA

December 25, 2941 T.A.

_Today marks midwinter. I spent it by myself under the stars, somewhere between Lorien and Rohan. I am alone on a vast plain, and it is so dark I cannot tell where the earth ends and the sky begins. The stars are out, but there is no moon to guide me. I do not know where I am. I have no bed. I have no friend; I have not spoken to another soul in almost a month's time. Midwinter is a time of friendship, joy, and feasting, but today I have never felt more alone in all my life. Yes, tonight I walk in starlight, but it is in this world, while you are in the next. You are far away from me. You are further from me than the east is from the west, further from me than the stars are from the stones. _

_I called your name once, in the darkness, when no one could hear me. I can't help hoping that somewhere, wherever you are, you can still hear me. _

_Wish you were here,_

_Tauriel. _


	10. January 5, 2942 TA

January 5, 2942 T.A.

_Today I passed through Edoras, the capital of Rohan. I did not linger long, but I think you would have liked it there, Kili. Have you ever been to Rohan? I forgot to ask you that. _

_You told me all about your travels and adventures. I had hoped to adventure with you to far-off lands, just the two of us. It turned out to be just the one of me. You're still with me, but in a different way. You're here, in my mind and in my heart, but I cannot talk to you, cannot listen to you, cannot touch you. _

_Tonight I've made camp outside the city walls. Nowhere will ever feel like home again without you._

_Wish you were here, _

_Tauriel. _


	11. January 30, 2942 TA

January 30, 2942 T.A.

_Today I reached the borders of Fangorn Forest. I know that I am fated to be a wanderer, but the trees are so big and green and the moss smells so much like home. I am torn between being horribly homesick and being content to at least be in a forest again. I think I might stay here for awhile. The trees, which once were said to be hostile, I have found to be friendly and benevolent. If I must wander, a forest seems a rather nice place to wander in. _

_The stars are calling me. I will climb the tallest tree I can find and say goodnight to them._

_Wish you were here, _

_Tauriel. _


	12. February 22, 2942 TA

February 22, 2942 T.A.

_Today I found a wildberry bush. It's been so long since I last ate fruit. In all my wanderings, I have eaten little and my body has grown lean and hard like the Rangers of the North. These woods have grown familiar. I have a little nest in the tallest tree that I return to at night, and the birds and beasts of the forest have accepted me. I have even conversed with the ancient Huorns. Kili, have you ever heard of them? They're shepherds of the trees. They look very much like trees, but they aren't. Treebeard is the oldest of the Huorns, or Ents as they call themselves. He's taught me how to speak to the trees. _

_I wish he could teach me how to speak to you. _

_Wish you were here,_

_Tauriel. _


	13. April 13, 2942 TA

April 13, 2942 T.A.

_Today I entered the service of the Turgon, the steward of Gondor! I have decided to put away my bow and my weapons for a while, and become a Healer. I have not written to you for several moons, but it is because nothing overly important happened. I spent this time wandering through Fangorn and tracing my way to the White City. I have missed you every day, my love, but I am hoping to find purpose and direction in my work in Minas Tirith's Houses of Healing. _

_I am to be trained in the Gondorian art of healing, but I hope I will be allowed to bring my own previous knowledge to share with the Healers as well. Elvish medicine is much different from that of Men, and I am sure that we will have much to learn from each other. _

_One thing, however, continues to haunt me: no matter how many I save, I will never be able to save you._

_Wish you were here_

_Tauriel._


	14. June 9, 2942 TA

June 9, 2942 T.A.

_Today I set a broken bone for the grandson of the steward. It was a clean break, and not overly difficult to mend, but I was surprised that he managed to break an arm at all. Denethor is a 12-year old boy, yes, but as serious and methodical a child I have never seen. One would expect such an injury of a more reckless boy, but Denethor generally spends his time reading books or playing indoors. Despite his often sullen personality, he is quick-witted and I find myself hoping he will grow to be kinder and more understanding. _

_He is much like his father Ecthelion, and I feel that a change in his temperament would be in Gondor's best interest. If you were here, Kili, I'm sure you could bring some joy back into his black-and-white world._

_Wish you were here,_

_Tauriel._


	15. August 17, 2942 TA

August 17, 2942 T.A.

_Today in the Houses of Healing, we welcomed a new baby into the world! I am experienced in many aspects of medicine and healing, but midwifing is not my area of expertise. Elven births are rare, you see. The poor woman's labour pains were only exacerbated by the intense summer heat. All of us healers were in fact quite fearful for her survival. But with the aid of lots of cold cloths, and the cool evening breeze, she bore a healthy baby daughter. It was quite an exhausting day, but I learned many new skills and was glad to be of aid. Even if I will never be a mother myself, it is a joy to bring others' children into the world._

_Wish you were here,_

_Tauriel. _


	16. September 21, 2942 TA

September 21, 2942 T.A.

_Today is the first day of autumn, and I imagine Fangorn is probably fiery red and orange by now. I wonder if Ents change colours with the seasons? Do you think they lose their leaves in winter, just like trees? _

_There is a chill in the air now, and the mornings and evenings are dark. I have less time for writing, unless I light candles. Otherwise, my home is very dark all the time. Have I already told you about my home? I live in tight quarters in the second circle of Minas Tirith (that is, the second from the top). All of the lower-ranking healers are my neighbours; we live in a kind of apartment block. The head healers get to live in the uppermost circle of the city, so they are close to the steward and his family in case of emergency. Someday, maybe I'll get to live up there, with a view of the White Tree from my window. _

_The trees are changing colour now, but not the White Tree. The White Tree is dead, or at least, it looks as though it is dead. I've never seen it with leaves, but my next-door neighbour, Wyn, tells me tales about the beauty of its flowers. I asked her where she heard these tales, but she doesn't know. The Tree has not flowered in living memory (at least not amongst the race of Men). _

_I hope the Tree will be able to survive the winter. Legend says it will bloom once again at the return of the king. _

_My candle is burning down to a stub now; I must lay aside my quill._

_Wish you were here, _

_Tauriel._


	17. October 10, 2942 TA

October 10, 2942 T.A.

_Today is the day you died. _

_I could hardly bear it today in the Houses of Healing, sewing up a minor wound, applying a mundane poultice, mixing an everyday cough syrup… All these people I can heal. All these people I can help. _

_And yet I let you die right in front of me. _

_I thought that I could lose myself in my work. I thought that by healing, I could redeem myself, make up for my mistakes. I thought I was getting better and learning to live again. _

_I can still see it all in my head. The unadulterated look of violent pleasure on Bolg's face. The words on your lips as he stabbed you. The single tear that rolled down your cheek, the expression on your face as you died, as I lay on the ground, useless. _

_I'm sorry, Kili. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. _

_I should have told you I loved you._

_Wish you were here,_

_Tauriel. _


	18. September 3, 2943 TA

September 3, 2943 T.A.

_Today I picked up my quill again for the first time in months. I'm sorry, Kili, that I haven't written you in so long. It's just so painful. Last time, I wrote some words down that I didn't really want to read again. So I put my journal away and tried to throw myself wholeheartedly into my work again. And so almost a year has passed. Time seems to pass much more quickly to elves, you see. Nearly a year later, and the pain is still so near. Sometimes I try to smile, and it feels strange on my face, as if it's being twisted into an unfamiliar shape. I need to remember how to be happy. _

_I will try and focus on the happy memories we shared together. _

_Wish you were here,_

_Tauriel._


	19. October 13, 2943 TA

October 13, 2943 T.A.

_Today is the day you were buried. Two years ago today was the last time I ever saw you. _

_I had a bad dream last night. I wish I didn't remember how you looked when you were laid in your tomb, but I do. I can picture you so clearly, I could paint you if I wanted to. In my dream, I was in the lowest level of Erebor, near the tombs. Yours was open. Your coffin was smashed. I didn't want to look, but something compelled me to move. In dreams sometimes, you don't have a choice, do you? _

_Kili, my love, I saw you. You were bones. You were crumbling. You were dust. Where your dark and joyful eyes used to be, there were two gaping holes in your skull. Where your smile used to be, there were bare teeth and jaws of bone. You had rotted._

_Nightmares are always the most frightening when you know they're real._

_Wish you were here,_

_Tauriel._


	20. December 21, 2943 TA

December 21, 2943 T.A.

_Today is the darkest day of the year. _

_On this, the winter solstice, Gondorians spend time inside with their families. The darkness gives them a chance to huddle around a cozy fire, celebrating the winter and eating hearty winter meals. The solstice is somewhat of a holiday here; little work was done today. _

_I sit by my fire alone, idly stoking the flames. My body is warm, but my heart is cold. My friend Wyn is having a gathering next door, and I can hear happy chatter and laughter. I think she wanted to invite me, but she knew that I am strange to the Gondorians and perhaps would not be welcome. _

_Although maybe I am wrong. Maybe she too thinks me strange, and is glad of my absence. _

_It's so dark outside, Kili. It feels as though night has fallen on the world forever. Who knows for sure if the sun will come up tomorrow?_

_Wish you were here,_

_Tauriel. _


	21. January 7, 2944 TA

January 7, 2944 T.A.

_Today we had our first snowfall of the year, and once again, little work was done. You see, snow is rare here in the south, and all the children were overjoyed to go outside and play. It warmed my cold heart just to see them, Kili. Even the stoic steward's grandson was out there throwing snowballs with the most reckless boys in the city. The snow has had a calming effect on everyone, I think. It's as though the heavens have pulled a soft cover over us and tucked us in. The clouds are still heavy over us, and I expect we'll get fresh snow overnight. _

_And the best thing that happened today was an unexpected gift! I heard a knock on my door this morning, and it was Wyn with a newly-knit pair of soft grey mittens! It was such a thoughtful thing to do, and I'm sure it took a long time to make them. _

_This cold weather has brought warmth to my hands and my heart. _

_Wish you were here,_

_Tauriel. _


	22. June 30, 2944 TA

June 30, 2944 T.A.

_Today there was little healing to be done, and Wyn asked me to eat lunch with her outside the walls of the city. I seldom visit the lowest level of Minas Tirith, let alone venture outside the gates, but it was an opportunity to spend time with a friend, so I accepted. _

_After lunch, we sat together on the plains and talked quietly for awhile. There is something about the sun and the grass and the breeze in one's hair that makes one think very deeply about life, doesn't it? It can be cheering at times, but whenever I think too much, I start to get sad, so I try not to get in touch with nature too much anymore._

_But the fresh air had a similar effect on Wyn. I know this because she asked me, "Tauriel, I mean no ill intent by asking this, but why do you always look so forlorn?"_

_I had been waiting for this question; I knew it was coming. The other healers stay away from me. I suppose they can tell a lost cause when they see it; and I was glad to be free from prying questions. But Wyn is different. In that moment I felt open and free, and I replied with a question of my own. "Have you ever heard of the Lonely Mountain?" I asked her._

_"__Yes," she said, "where there was a dragon slain a few years back?"_

_"__The same," I said. _

_She looked at me strangely. "Tauriel… were you there?"_

_"__I was." I sighed and looked away. "And in the battle that followed, I lost someone I loved very much." _

_Wyn's gray-blue eyes filled with concern. She didn't say anything; but she moved closer to me and put her arm around me. And for the first time in a long, long time, I feel as though I am beginning to heal. _

_Wish you were here,_

_Tauriel. _


	23. September 3, 2944 TA

September 3, 2944 T.A.

_Today there is a chill in the air. Autumn is coming once again, and with it comes recurring dreams of you. Something about this season always reminds me of you. Sometimes I have the tomb dream again and I wake up with a cold sweat on my brow and tears on my cheeks. Last night I saw you in my dreams, and you were alive and well. You beckoned to me, and I tried to run to you, but I could not move my foot. I tried to reach out to you, but my arms were pinned to my sides. I tried to call to you, but my breath caught in my throat. All I could do was stand and stare at you until you finally turned around and walked away, disappearing into the mist. _

_I think Wyn heard me crying in the night. This morning she greeted me so kindly and took my hand as we walked together to the Houses of Healing. She's not you, but she makes it so that I'm not alone anymore._

_Wish you were here,_

_Tauriel. _


	24. October 13, 2944 TA

**AN: I haven't communicated much with my readers on this story because the chapters are so short, but I'd really like to thank bluemountainfairy for all her continued support and faithful reviews, as well as all my other readers and followers. Tauriel's updates are getting less frequent because I am going to take this into the 80s where Middle Earth is gearing up for the War of the Ring. **

October 13, 2944 T.A.

_Today it's been three years. I just wanted to let you know that I still miss you. _

_Wish you were here,_

_Tauriel. _


	25. January 1, 2945 TA

January 1, 2945 T.A.

_Today marks the first day of a new year. Since you died, facing a new year has been hard for me. A year is such a long stretch of days, each of them without you. But with Wyn, every day has the potential for a bit of brightness. I feel stronger now, like a little plant stretching its leaves towards the sun. _

_I haven't seen nor heard from Legolas since the battle, and I've only now realized how long it's been since I've talked to him. Do you think I should send him a letter? After all, he's a good friend, and one can never have enough of those. Now that I have one friend in Gondor I realize all over again how valuable they are._

_Wish you were here,_

_Tauriel. _


	26. March 14, 2945 TA

March 14, 2945 T.A.

_Today I wrote to Legolas. I've been thinking about him for quite some time but I didn't think it would be best to send a letter in the depths of winter. Who knows what could happen to the messenger in between Minas Tirith and Mirkwood? _

_So today I finally sent my letter. It's not much, just a bit of a note really, but I hope he'll get it and write back. I know I'm still banished from Mirkwood but I can still write to him, even if I can't see him. _

_I can't see you either, but I still write to you. Even though I know these are letters that you'll never receive. _

_Wish you were here,_

_Tauriel._


	27. June 25, 2945 TA

June 25, 2945 T.A.

_Today I received a reply from Legolas! It was quite a long letter, giving me news of all the doings in the kingdom. Legolas says that there is peace between them and the dwarves, and for that I am grateful. He says we should meet sometime. This is both exciting and slightly frightening. I've been in Gondor for a few years now, and things are getting better. I don't know why but I feel afraid to leave. Maybe I'm just afraid of things changing again. _

_Maybe I'll ask Wyn about it. Maybe it wouldn't change anything if I just went for a little while. _

_Do you think it's a good idea?_

_Wish you were here,_

_Tauriel._


	28. January 3, 2946 TA

January 3, 2946 T.A.

_Today I sent a confirmation letter to Legolas. Correspondence has been slow these past few months, especially during the winter, and it took several letters back and forth to work out the details, but we have decided that we will meet on October 10, in Dale. It is to be the fifth anniversary of the battle, and for a long time now I have wished to visit your tomb once again. So I suppose I may be reunited with you and Legolas at the same time. However, since we are elves, I don't know if Dain and his people will even let us into the Lonely Mountain. _

_I'm just a little unsure if it's a good idea to meet Legolas and you at the same time. It will bring back so many memories, and on the anniversary too… It was the only time Legolas could escape from his duties in Mirkwood, so we had to choose that time. And the day seemed rather fitting. But I'm honestly worried I won't be able to keep it together. _

_It's time, though. It's been five years. Perhaps visiting your tomb will help give me some closure. I don't know. I don't know how I can bear it, but I know that it's something I have to do. _

_Wish you were here,_

_Tauriel. _


	29. September 12, 2946 TA

September 12, 2946 T.A.

_Today I said goodbye to Wyn and left Minas Tirith. I know it's early, but the air is getting colder and winter is coming, so it's best to leave with plenty of time so I don't have to rush. Still, I wanted to stay longer. It felt strange, looking back at the White City and seeing it so small. I've lived there for so long I'd forgotten what it looked like from afar. _

_I'm coming to visit you, Kili! For a moment, I tried to imagine you greeting me at the gate of Erebor, and embracing me, and both of us crying and laughing together. I imagined that your death was just a trick, a bad dream, and that you had really been alive the whole time. _

_The heart is so foolish. It hopes for things that the head knows to be utterly impossible. _

_Wish you were here,_

_Tauriel. _


	30. October 9, 2946 TA

**AN: Thanks to all my new followers, readers, and reviewers! Shoutout to ani-maniac 494, thank you for the continued support :)**

October 9, 2946 T.A.

_Today I arrived in Dale. The journey here was lonely and uneventful, so I shall not describe it for you, but I will mention that the town of Dale has become busy and colourful since its restoration. The sights, the smells of fish frying and sweet cakes baking, and oh, the toys, Kili! I have seen the power of magic, but did not look for it in the crafts of men! I wish I were a child again! _

_I looked for Legolas in the crowd, but I did not see his golden head amongst all the busy dark-haired townspeople. We said we'd meet October 10th, so I suppose I am a bit early. Ah well. This at least gives me a chance to retire for the night in a cozy inn and fill another page in my journal._

_See you tomorrow, Kili._

_Wish you were here,_

_Tauriel._


	31. October 10, 2946 TA

October 10, 2946 T.A.

_Today I found Legolas by the city gate, and we went up from the town talking and catching up on all the events of the past five years. Both of us inquired politely about the other's comings and goings, and I am afraid my tales were terribly boring in comparison to his. Legolas, you see, has been aiding his father in amending Mirkwood's foreign policy, especially in regard to the dwarves of Erebor. They've been trading back and forth, and apparently, relations have been good. I can tell from his carefully chosen words that Dain is frustrating to work with, but for my sake, Legolas does not openly curse the stubbornness of dwarves or insult your customs, and for that I am grateful. I think you and he could even have grown to be friends. _

_He asked me if I'd like to go alone to visit you. Before that moment, I had just assumed that I would go alone. But there was a kindness in his eyes and I thought I might need a friend to be with me. So we asked politely for entrance into Erebor, and the guards at first were very rude to us and laughed in our faces. I almost cried in front of them, Kili, it was so humiliating. But I gathered my courage and asked for Ori, the royal scribe. Since five years had passed, his beard had grown long and thick, and he recognized us at once. So thankfully, we were allowed into Erebor._

_As we passed by servants and citizens, crafters and weavers, and all manner of tunnels, halls, and rooms, I was struck by one resounding thought: This could have been my life. It's gloomy and dark inside, and more than a little drafty, and it couldn't be more different from the home I lived in for 600 years, but I would have gone there with you, Kili. I would have lived there, if I could be with you. _

_Five years later, I could be with you, but it was in an altogether different way._

_Ori took us down to the deepest level of Erebor. It was a place of shadows and dust, and I've never heard such a deep silence. One could feel death in the air. _

_He opened a thick stone door for us, and it groaned in complaint, and Ori looked up at me with eyes full of pain. "They're in here," he whispered, and left us. _

_Three raised stone boxes were in the room. The first and grandest must have been Thorin's. The other two stood on either side, and they were simpler, carved less elaborately and without ornamentation. I paused a moment at Fili's tomb, paying my respects to your beloved brother whom I had never gotten to know. Then I paused at Thorin's, remembering the king whose kingdom slipped through his fingers. _

_I forced myself to look at the third tomb. Your name was on it. I moved over to it as if in a trance, remembering a dream I once had, remembering the image of your decaying corpse. I clasped my hands together; they were trembling almost too hard to pray. "Aul__ë," I whispered. "Keep him well. Keep him safe. Let me go to him." Then I lifted my head and saw Legolas looking at me, and I felt my face crumple, and I ran to him and let him hold me for awhile. _

_Wish you were here,_

_Tauriel. _


	32. October 15, 2946 TA

October 15, 2946 T.A.

_Today I left for Gondor. My time in Dale with Legolas is up; he has business to attend to in Mirkwood. During today's ride, I kept thinking about the trip. I'm glad I came, Kili. After we visited you, I fear I wasn't the most cheerful company, but at the same time, I experienced a closeness with Legolas that I hadn't before. The rest of the time we spent together was very open. We talked about you, sometimes. _

_"__How can you bear it?" he asked me once, during the evening meal._

_"__I-I don't know," I said quietly. "I simply… I just… I go on."_

_"__No," he said firmly, "how can you go on like this without fading?" _

_I looked at him, astonished. I shook my head and repeated, "I don't know." _

_"__Up until now…" he began. "Up until we visited his tomb, I believed that you were simply infatuated with him. I believed that you weren't fading… because you didn't truly love him."_

_Tears sprung to my eyes. "Th-that's not-"_

_He hushed me. "I know," he said gently. "I see now. I can see the love and pain you bear for him. What I don't know is how you can withstand the grief. Most elves in your situation would have faded or sailed by now."_

_"__Your father remains," I said quietly. _

_"__He has a duty to his people, a purpose, a reason to stay in Middle Earth," Legolas explained._

_"__Are you saying I have no purpose?" I cried. _

_"__Tauriel, no! What I am saying is that I think you have found one." _

_And we talked of many things after that: my work in the Houses of Healing, my future, my plans… I don't like to think too much about the future, though. It's such a long stretch of years without you, even with a purpose. _

_Wish you were here,_

_Tauriel._


	33. April 4, 2947 TA

April 4, 2947 T.A.

_Today Wyn's life changed forever. _

_I've been in Gondor again for months, I'm sorry I haven't written to you. I spent several peaceful weeks with Legolas in Dale, but I haven't received a letter from him since then. It's been so busy in the Houses of Healing (springtime is baby season in Minas Tirith, apparently) and one thing led to another, and this journal found itself wedged into the back corner of my dresser. _

_But although it might have been forgotten about, I still think about you every day, my dear._

_Now, as I was saying, Wyn has experienced a major upheaval. She is to be married! She told me with shining eyes this morning that one of the steward's guards has asked for her hand in marriage. I asked Wyn what he is like, and strangely enough, she hardly knows him. It is men's custom, I have learned, for a man to ask a woman's parents for her hand, rather than the woman herself. To Gondorians, love in marriage is not as important as mundane nonsense such as dowries and ties between families. Although I suppose I'm not one to judge: we would have surely been the oddest couple in Arda! _

_Still, I felt more than a bit discontented at the development, despite Wyn's enthusiasm. I am reminded once again of how young she is: 21, a child compared to you and I. I admit that some of this sadness was selfish. The wedding will be next month, and I will lose my next-door neighbour. Wyn will, I'm sure, have a child soon, and will give up her place in the Houses of Healing. _

_I know I'll still get to see her, but I can already tell that I'm still going to miss her._

_Wish you were here,_

_Tauriel. _


End file.
